When Children Compare Themselves to Others

“Everyone Else Can Do It”

Sooner or later, most children look around and notice that someone else can do something they can’t.

One child reads easily. Another runs faster. Someone seems to understand maths straight away, while another can climb to the top of the equipment without thinking twice.

For a child who is struggling, those differences can feel enormous.

“I’m the worst.”

“Everyone else can do it.”

“I’m just not good at anything.”

How adults respond in these moments can shape the way children learn to think about their own abilities.

A Struggle Is Only Part of the Picture

When something is difficult, it can temporarily become the biggest thing in a child’s world.

A child struggling to read may begin to think, “I’m not smart.”

A child who finds sport difficult may decide, “I’m no good at anything.”

We can help children separate the skill from their identity.

Instead of “You’re not a good reader,” we can say, “Reading is something you’re still learning.”

The difference may seem small to an adult, but it leaves room for growth.

Everyone Has an Uneven Set of Skills

Children don’t develop every ability at the same rate.

The strongest reader in the class may struggle to catch a ball. The confident athlete may find spelling difficult. The child who rarely puts up a hand during maths might be the person everyone turns to when something needs to be built or worked out practically.

Children benefit from seeing ability as a collection of strengths and developing skills, rather than a ladder with the “best” child standing at the top.

Be Careful With Comparisons

Adults sometimes use another child as motivation:

“Look how neatly your sister writes.”

“Everyone else has finished.”

“Why can’t you do it like he does?”

Even when well intentioned, comparisons can make children concentrate on where they rank rather than what they are learning.

A more useful comparison is with themselves.

“You couldn’t do that a few weeks ago.”

“Look how much further you got this time.”

“You kept trying even when it became difficult.”

Progress gives children something they can own.

Praise More Than Achievement

Children deserve recognition when they succeed, but success isn’t the only thing worth noticing.

Notice persistence, problem-solving, courage and willingness to try.

“You tried another way when the first one didn’t work.”

“You asked for help instead of giving up.”

“That was difficult and you stayed with it.”

This doesn’t mean praising everything a child does. Specific, genuine feedback helps children understand what they did that worked.

Give Strengths a Chance to Be Seen

Some abilities are much easier to notice at school than others.

Reading, writing, maths and sport are regularly measured and discussed. But children may also be wonderful storytellers, careful observers, inventive builders, thoughtful friends, artists, organisers or problem-solvers.

Creating different opportunities for children to contribute allows more of those abilities to become visible.

Sometimes a child who believes they aren’t particularly good at anything simply hasn’t had their strengths recognised yet.

Asking for Help Is a Skill Too

Children can easily assume that capable people don’t need help.

In reality, knowing when to ask for assistance is an important part of learning.

Adults can model this openly:

“I don’t know how to do that yet. Let’s find out.”

“I need someone to show me.”

“I made a mistake. I’ll try it another way.”

Children need to see that difficulty isn’t evidence of failure. It is an ordinary part of learning.

We Need Different Strengths

There will always be someone who can run faster, draw differently, solve a problem more quickly or read a harder book.

There will also be things this child can contribute that somebody else cannot.

Helping children recognise that difference changes the question from:

“Am I as good as everyone else?”

to:

“What can I do, and what am I still learning?”

That is a much healthier question to carry into the classroom — and into life.

We all have things we’re good at, and things we’re learning too.