What Does a “Normal” Family Look Like?

Children Notice Differences

Children are natural observers. They notice who picks their friends up from school, who lives in which house, whether someone has brothers or sisters, and whether another family’s everyday routines look anything like their own.

Eventually, many children begin comparing.

“Why does she live with her grandma?”

“Why does he have two houses?”

“Why doesn’t his dad live with him?”

“Why do they live in a caravan?”

These questions aren’t necessarily judgemental. Often, children are simply trying to understand how the world works.

Their Own Family Is Their Starting Point

For a young child, home is their first reference point.

If Mum always makes breakfast, perhaps they assume everyone’s mum does. If Dad works away, that may seem completely ordinary. A child who moves between two homes may be surprised to discover that some children have only one bedroom.

Children often assume their own experience is universal until they encounter something different.

That’s why conversations about families can be so valuable.

There Isn’t One Family Blueprint

Families can include one parent, two parents, grandparents, step-parents, foster carers, siblings, half-siblings and many other combinations.

Some children divide their time between homes. Some live with extended family. Some have parents who live elsewhere. Families can also change over time.

Rather than trying to give children a definition of what a family should look like, we can help them understand that families are made in many different ways.

Answer Questions Simply

When children ask about another family, adults sometimes become uncomfortable because we don’t know how much to explain.

Usually, a simple factual answer is enough.

“Some children live in two houses.”

“His grandma looks after him.”

“She has two mums.”

“Her dad lives somewhere else.”

If you don’t know the answer, it’s perfectly fine to say so.

What matters is avoiding the suggestion that a different family arrangement automatically requires an explanation or apology.

Be Careful With “Normal”

Children quickly pick up the language adults use.

Calling one family arrangement “normal” can unintentionally suggest that another child’s family is abnormal.

Instead of saying, “Most normal families…”, we can talk about what is common, what happens in our family, or simply acknowledge that different families do things differently.

Let Children Talk About Their Own Homes

Classroom discussions, drawings and books about families can give children opportunities to describe their own lives.

But it’s worth remembering that not every child will want to explain everything about their family.

An invitation such as “Tell us about the people who are important at your house” leaves more room than assuming every child lives with a mum and dad.

It also allows children to decide what they want to share.

Different Doesn’t Mean Difficult

Adults sometimes assume that an unfamiliar family arrangement must be a problem for the child.

It may not be.

A child can be perfectly content living between two houses. A grandparent-led household can be loving and secure. A family that travels may consider a home on wheels completely ordinary.

If a child isn’t presenting their family situation as a problem, we don’t need to turn it into one.

Every Child Has Their Own Version of Home

Perhaps the most useful thing we can teach children isn’t a list of all the different kinds of families.

It’s something much simpler:

Your family doesn’t have to look like mine for both of them to be families.

When children understand that, differences become something to be curious about rather than something that needs to be judged.